Bhaiband Girl, Bombay

Answer:

Dear Bhaiband girl,

“Don’t we all look for love at the end of it all? Doesn’t love erase all caste, boundaries and differences?”

Ok, let’s stop dreaming and get back to reality.

You see, there are different types of Sindhis. It’s not about which is superior or inferior, it’s just about coming from different places and different backgrounds. Bhaibands were usually the traders and Larkanas were the educated ones and got good jobs. They did very well for themselves. In the olden days it was about getting married to the same status in which you were born but times have changed now. Today Bhaiband Sindhis are getting good jobs after their education and Larkana Sindhis have their own businesses as well so there is not much of a difference anymore in the status. In the end, it all comes down to being comfortable and the decision is yours. It’s up to you to sit down with your parents and reason out your differences with them in a calm and civilized manner. You shouldn’t make the decision of choosing your life partner based on love only – that happens only in Hindi movies. If he is from a good family, doing well for himself, and will be able to take care of you, then try to explain to your parents all that. If he’s still not yet working and can’t support you, or has no family business to fall back on, then I’d suggest you listen to your parents and do as they advise.

Q: Dear Nicky, I am a 26-year-old woman. Before I got married my husband and I dated for a year. It has been five years since we have been married. Immediately after the marriage, I realized what completely different people we are. My husband can be very mean at times and only shouts. He is mean to the kids and after only fifteen minutes of spending time with family, he makes a big deal of it. I feel so helpless lately.

From: Vechari, Chicago.

Answer:

Dear Vechari,

They usually say women are hard to understand even though men are equally difficult to understand. Everyone needs someone to vent out on. In this case, it is your family that your husband is using. It could be that his work is very stressful which is leads to his anger outbreaks. After 6 years of knowing him, I’m sure you pretty much know how he would react to certain things.

After some time though in a marriage, things start to get very monotonous and routine. Everyday seems to be the same and there is no more excitement in your day-to-day life. Try to change things around the house to more of your husband’s liking. Make your home someplace where he can be more comfortable. If you know that he likes watching TV, lighten his mood by turning on a game or some comedy so both of you can sit and watch together. Try to have your kids in bed early so he can get some peace of mind with some silence. Get on his good side even if it means sucking up to him, it would be worth it. Be more loving and understanding. Every man is a child himself and needs constant attention, so treat him like one and make sure he doesn’t know what you are doing. Maybe you have been too busy in your daily routine and that is affecting him. Talk to him and find out what is bothering him. On the weekends, do the things he wants to do. Doing this for some time will make him feel better; a marriage is about sacrifices after all.

Q: Dear Nicky, I recently got married but have been living away from my parents since I went to college, although I visit them regularly. I currently live in Hong Kong and my parents are staying in India. I feel guilty that since I’m the only son/child, my parents are living alone when they should be with us. I’m undecided whether I should ask them to come live with me. I would like them to be here while my kids are growing up. I’m in a moral dilemma and since I’ve had proper Sindhi values instilled in me, I feel guilty all the time. Please advice what would you would do in this situation?

From Only Son, HK

Dear Only Son,

This is a tough decision to make. There are a lot of factors that should affect your decision.

a)      Are you able to afford it? Hong Kong is an expensive city to live in. You should work on your finances and see if you can afford it.

b)      Does your wife get along with them, and is she nice and understanding enough to make the sacrifices it takes to live in a joint family? It can be hard living with in-laws in this day and age. 80% of women do not get along with their mother-in-laws and will never really get along with them.

c)      Will you be able to handle the extra responsibility of taking care of them all the time? It’s a full-time affair to take care of family especially after you have been living away from them for some time.

d)     Are you close to your parents? I am sure you are since they brought you up well. Only a person with good upbringing and values would consider their parents’ feelings. I’m proud of you.

e)      Are they willing to live away from India? Most people are very accustomed to living in India. My parents, for example, won’t even think of living away from the conveniences that Pune have to offer them even though I’ve told them to live in Dubai with me.

If all these criteria are in the positive, then only should you ask them to come live with you. If not, you can visit them often. Come via Dubai and bring me Char siu (pork on rice).

A: Dear Soon to be Single Mother,

Having just recently become a mommy myself, I understand why you would want to have a baby. A child will love you unconditionally and the bond between a mother and child is everlasting. Every woman should experience motherhood at least once in their life – it is the best feeling in the world. However, that being said, having a child is no joke. It takes a lot of time and dedication. Do you still plan to work as a lawyer after the baby is born? I am also a lawyer and know what long hours lawyers work. Who is going to look after the baby while you are at work? Do you want your child to be raised by a helper or your parents, or do you plan to quit your job. If you quit your job, then who is going to pay the bills? Will you be able to afford a baby? To answer your question, forget about what people think, especially the Sindhi community. Do what you think is right for yourself and your baby. If you feel that your child will be able to have a great life without a father figure then go ahead and have a child. You seem to have a lot of love to give. However, just realize that having a child is a big decision that will change your life forever. Not to mention that the likelihood of you getting married as a single mother will be slim to none, since any guy you marry will need to accept the fact that you have a child that is not his. Make sure you are ready for the consequences of your decision, because once you have the child there is no turning back.
Sincerely,NEETU

A: Dear Wannabe,

I think its time people stop watching these damn movies and shows and read magazines with Angelina and Brad doing their nonsense. There used to be a natural order of things. Man meets girl. Man does girl. Condom breaks. Baby comes out. HAHAHAHA! I really crack myself up. Listen up woman, it’s quite a simple dilemma. You women just like doing drama for no reason! Do you want a kid bad enough to be able to deal with the whole family and community treating you like an outcast? When it comes to your parents you just have to put your foot down. Tell them this is what you want. Who gives a crap about the rest of the world! It’s mostly family that will be there when you truly need them. Do what you have to so that they believe that your nonsense actually makes sense. Also you have to take into consideration the hardships you will face being a single mother. Talk to more single mothers out there and then make your decision after you have exhausted all queries. A life is not something you take lightly. You should be able to give the child the best you can.
Sincerely, Awesome Nicky

Q: Dear Nicky & Neetu,
I am a 27 year old Sindhi male living in Madrid. I work for a pharmaceutical company and earn an average salary a month. When I go on dates with women, I always pay because I believe it is a man’s prerogative to pay. Anyway, I met this girl a month ago and fell in love with her – she is great in everything except for one thing; she is poor. She works as a waitress and cannot afford much. Along with that, she has too much pride in letting me pay for her. She insists on going Dutch most times and since she’s so stubborn, I allow it. Recently, she’s been turning down many of my requests to hang out or do things and I suspect it is the money thing. How do I make her feel comfortable in letting me pay for everything as long as I get to spend time with her – there’s only so much ‘chilling at home’ that I can take.
Rich Boy, Madrid

A: Dear Wuss aka Rich Boy,

It’s not about her being rich or poor that really matters. You should not let a woman pay no matter what excuse she comes up with! You have to wait for a while, and then take her out when you know she can afford it and she is comfortable. Once she steps out, you have to make it clear to her that you are very uncomfortable with her going Dutch. Tell her that your parents haven’t brought you up in a way where it’s ok with you for a woman to pay. Besides that, if you do like her so much, I think its time you make your intentions obvious. Tell her that you are not comfortable letting a woman pay. That goes for all you stupid women out there who do not know how to let a guy pay for you when you go out. It’s what we do. Stop doing drama about the whole woman’s lib thing! It’s time you start dealing with it. At least that way you might feel guilty about us paying and let us get to second base!
Sincerely, Nicky

A: Dear Looking for a Gold Digger,

What are you complaining about? You should be happy to have found someone that is not a gold digger. This girl sounds like a keeper. She obviously works hard for her money and knows the value of a dollar. At least you know she is not dating you for the free dinners and movies. She must really like you. If you are tired of ‘chilling at home’ maybe you should plan dates that don’t cost a lot of money. Go to the beach and get some ice-cream, have a picnic lunch in the park, go see a matinee movie, go to a museum or window shop at the mall. If all else fails, you can always get dinner at McDonalds… that should be quite inexpensive. You don’t have to spend a lot of money to have a good time with someone.
Sincerely, NEETU

NICKY SAYS:

Dear Misconstructed,
Dude, hhmm hhmmm hhhmmm that’s me singing because it’s a stupid question!!!! I don’t even wanna answer it! Besides I think I’m in love. So instead of even reading your question I’m just sort of drifting away into oblivion!! Ok, ok, haha I bet my editor will not even let me put that in the answer. Look man, simple problem, simple answer. Be a man. Why the hell are you so scared of being honest with your girlfriend? Dude, sooner or later she will be aware of what is going on! I am sure she loves you not because of your family but you for yourself. Look if this girl is really worth it, she will accept you for whatever you are or whatever situation you are in! God knows why but anyway, since she put up with u so far, I’m sure she will still not mind as it is not her who has to deal with this bullshit. Who knows, she might just feel sorry for u and let u get lucky!!! Incentive enough?

Sincerely, NICKY

NEETU SAYS:

Dear Misconstrued:
Why does it matter what your girlfriend thinks about your family? You are only 21 years old. Are you planning on marrying your this girl? My mother always used to tell me that “blood is thicker than water.” Don’t sell your family out for some girl. Siblings always fight – this is a normal occurrence in all families, not just yours. Once you finally move out on your own, your bond with your mother and sisters will become a lot closer. Right now you all live in such close proximity that you are always getting on each others nerves. You are currently the man of the house and feel a lot of pressure, but in the long run this experience will be really beneficial to you. To answer your question, don’t talk to your girlfriend about your family problems, unless you plan on marrying her. Right now your sisters and girlfriend get along, which is a good thing. Don’t interfere unless your sisters start drama with your new girlfriend. Just let things be as they are.

Sincerely, NEETU

Q: Dear Nicky & Neetu,

I’m a 30 year old Sindhi woman living in Panama with my husband and two children. It was a love marriage and for the past several years we were usually happy. The thing is recently things have been very bad at work for my husband and he undergoes way more stress than a man should. He comes home drained out and tired, doesn’t say a word to me, shows no affection towards the children and flops into bed after watching TV for a couple of hours. There has been hardly any communication at home, romance is nonexistent and my children are feeling distant from their father. How do I fix it? I know a woman is supposed to be understanding of the stress a man goes through at work, but how much are we supposed to take? What do I do next to make him understand that life is not only about work?
Sincerely, Fed-Up Woman, Panama

NICKY SAYS:

Dear Fed-Up (ok who thought that one up??? We need to start using real names to spice things up now!!!)
One thing you have to understand is that the world is getting very competitive and difficult for everyone, not only your husband. Things are getting expensive and the people want a better standard of living in general. According to you, it is obvious that your husband is stressed because of work. I feel that you need to do whatever it takes to get him to liven up. The answer is simple… SEX!!! No seriously, sex is the answer to a lot of problems and everyone feels better after that. Of course, I wouldn’t know being the virgin I am saving my flower for my wife and all that, hahaha! But that’s what I hear. Look, you know he is going through a tough time. It happens to everyone. What’s important is that he gets the love and support from his family. Do things he likes. Make his favorite meal. Men are simple and we need simple things to keep us happy. Talk to him but don’t get him to talk to you if he is not comfortable. And for heaven’s sake, please don’t eat his head by complaining and stuff. Treat him like a king but not in an obvious manner. Make him feel loved. You will be surprised at how that affects things.

Sincerely, NICKY

NEETU SAYS:

Dear Fed-Up Women:
Have you tried to ask your husband what the problem is? You say that communication is lacking, but have you tried communicating with him? Have you asked him why he doesn’t want to spend time with the kids or with you? Is it work? Is it you? Have you asked what he is working on in the office? Have you offered your help? Are you sure that your husband isn’t having an affair? Usually a happy loving father will not neglect his children no matter how busy his day is – maybe his wife, but not his children, unless something else is wrong. Maybe the business is going bankrupt and your husband is dealing with all of the money issues, but doesn’t want to tell you. You need to be more supportive of him. He is making the money in the house. Maybe you should cut back on your expenses. I don’t know what advice to give you. Nicky and I are not mind readers! Instead of writing to this magazine, you need to talk your husband or hire a private investigator to figure out what is going on at the office. Sexy lingerie is not going to fix this problem.

Sincerely, NEETU

Q: Dear Nicky & Neetu,

I’m a 22 year old Sindhi boy who’s attending university in New York. I’ve been in love with my best friend as long as I can remember. Every time I see her, I am convinced that there are feelings from her side as well. The only thing that’s stopping me from going forward is the fact that she’s in a serious relationship with this boy who’s abusive (verbally and sometimes physically), manipulative, and cunning. Sometimes she comes crying to me about how mean he is to her, other times she gushes to me how much she loves him. I recognize the signs to realize this is a destructive relationship but every time I try to talk to her about it, she gets angry and says I’m jealous and that I should mind my own business. I care for her a lot – I hate that she’s doing this to herself. How do I make her truly open her eyes?
Sincerely, Concerned, NYC

NICKY SAYS:

Dear Loser!
Dude, just jump her! You will get her attention. Look man, I’m sorry to say this but you have officially entered the friend zone. What you need to do now is to get the hell out before you burn in it! You were there as a friend, weren’t you and where did that get you? You made your point clear to her. Now it’s time for you to show her that you are a man as well and sticking with what you believe! If she asks why you are being weird, tell her directly that she is paving her way into destruction. Tell her that men who hit once will never stop and that she probably enjoys it because she keeps going back for more. Tell her to have some self respect man! And stay out!!! That is very important. Do not get involved in her shit man. Sooner or later she will realize it herself. Everyone just needs their time to figure things out. Let her learn her own lessons. Just go on living your own life. You cannot control what she does. Who knows? You might even meet someone you like more than her. If she gets out she will come to you. Trust me on this because I’m the King and I’m always right!

Sincerely, NICKY

NEETU SAYS:

Dear Concerned NYC:
You are only 22! I know there are probably a thousand other girls at your college that you could date. Why are you acting like such a love sick puppy over some childhood friend? It is obvious that this girl is in a serious relationship with some other guy. She is coming to you as a friend and instead of consoling her you just want to get in her pants. All this girl needs is a friend to talk to and be there for her. She does not need to get advice from someone that has an ulterior motive. All you can do is give your honest opinion on the situation, it is up to her whether or not she chooses to accept it. Even if this girl broke up with her boyfriend, do you think she would automatically jump in your arms and want to date you? Do you want to be that rebound guy? If this girl has feelings for you she will eventually come around. In the meantime, go date other girls! Stop letting your youth pass you by.

Sincerely, NEETU

Q: Dear Nicky & Neetu,
I am a 29 year old Sindhi woman living in Manila. My parents are angry with me because I have turned down many proposals. I dated a few boys and it was fun for a while but before we got too close, I look for ways to end it and move on. My parents accuse me of being ultra fussy because I am beautiful, talented and smart so they think I have really high standards for men. It’s really not it at all…I do want marriage but it is just that I am so afraid of getting intimate with a man. Up till today I have never allowed a boy to touch me because I get instantly disgusted. I think it was because I was molested by an uncle when I was 5 years old, but it was so long ago. I am desperate to find love and settle down, but what chance do I have when every man ultimately wants what I can’t seem to offer?
Sincerely, Untouchable, Tokyo

NICKY SAYS:

Dear Untouchable,
Go skydiving. Get into the plane and feel what you do before you jump. You will be so scared that your heart feels like it’s going to pop out of your mouth. Your body shakes and you can’t move a muscle. Your breaths get shorter. You finally muster up enough courage and take a step towards the door of the plane. You look down and close your eyes. You say a little prayer and jump. For the first few seconds you are so uncomfortable. You cannot breathe but after a few seconds, you start to enjoy the ride and then you start screaming and feel so powerful. You land and have this feeling of accomplishment. You have never been so happy! That, my dear is nothing once you let go of everything that is stopping you and let yourself fall in love. How will you ever experience the good things in life if you hold on to the bad things? It is something you have to do if you want to make the best of today. Shit happened. Read that again! It happened. Past! Take the chance and jump! I did and I never looked back!

Sincerely, NICKY

Dear Untouchable:
First of all I am sorry to hear about what your uncle did to you. It disgusts me to think that someone could do that to a small child. Just realize that it is not your fault. Have you ever considered counseling for what has happened to you? Sadly many children have been in the same situation as you – realize that you are not alone. Do your parents know about what your uncle did? I think that it is time that you tell them the truth as to why you do not want to get married. Honestly, even though you are 29, don’t rush into anything that you are not ready for. I think you need to first trust men before you can get married. My advice to you is to seek professional counseling. Then slowly start dating and overcoming your issues. You probably need to try dating someone that you already trust, like a childhood friend. Getting an arranged marriage or jumping into a relationship is probably not the best thing for you right now. Sadly many children have been in the same situation as you – realize that you are not alone. These issues take a long time to resolve. Don’t be discouraged.

Sincerely, NEETU