By Ajay Hotchandani, M.D

Being that I’m the “Bathroom Humorist”, which I still think the joke is on me with that title, I feel it’s time for some good bathroom stories and anecdotes.  The following are events and hypothetical situations that have and would have occurred in the bathroom.

The 4 a.m Engineer

“Are you sure you don’t want to go to the bathroom before me?” Amit asked.

“Go ahead,” I replied.

I was planning on using it after him.  At about 1:25 a.m. he emerges with a grin on his face, followed by a nauseating scent behind him.

“Dude, where’s the plunger?”

Oh no, this cannot be good news, for anyone who knows this guy is also aware of his notorious show-stopping bowel movements.  If there were ever an Olympic competition called the Show-Stopping Bowel Movement Event, he would be a gold medal contender, and proud of it!  I’ve never met anyone as proud as he is of his bowel movements.

Prodding around the apartment and its one and only bathroom, our search proved futile.  At about 2:30 a.m. we realized that the plunger was with the neighbor, who like the rest of the city, was asleep.  What to do, what to do? Walmart was closed.  Not to mention at this point, I really wish I had gone before him.

Now we had to start thinking outside the box (or toilet).  Our first attempt at a ‘homeopathic’ plumbing remedy was to dissolve the solid matter with Clorox, as it is known to dissolve hair clogs.  Apparently this boy eats rubber and cement because it’s just about the two things that Clorox won’t dissolve – the toilet was still clogged up.  Ok, before you read beyond this point, ask yourself what would you do?  Now what I did next, I myself was not ready for what I found. I did an internet search for, ‘unclogging toilet without plunger’ and it yielded several results that all stated the same thing: “Hold a bucket of water up high and pour in quickly so gravity and the force of the water pushes the solid matter (in this case rubber and cement) down the pipes.”  This little science experiment at 4 a.m. resulted in nothing more than water being splashed all over, and uncontrollable laughter from our stupidity.  We were out of ideas. Left with no other option, Amit left the house in search of a 24-hour place that just might have a plunger, and thank God for that! Otherwise his hand, wrapped in a plastic bag, would have found its way down the same path he sent his Pipe-Clogging Matter earlier.

At 5 a.m. all the patrons of the gas station patiently waited in line to pay for their morning coffee or gas and wondered why this boy stood so proudly, with a grin on his face, and a plunger in his hand!

Am I the only one?

As most of the readers of my articles have come to conclude, I’m not normal when it comes to thought content and actions.  So the following might not be a surprise, however, this one is pretty weird, weird enough to surprise me and the voices in my head.  I’m not sure why I want to do this, but I feel it would be absolutely hilarious to do if I can just pull it off.

In a public restroom stall, while seated on the royal throne, you often get to see your neighbor’s footwear pretty well.  As a matter of fact, the shoes are so close to you that they are within arm’s length and this is what led me to the following idea.  One day, I want to walk into the stall, leave the door open, sit down and make sure my neighbor has his pants around his ankle.  Then I want to quickly pull his shoe laces so they come undone and run out! I told you it was a strange idea! I don’t know why it would be funny, but can you just imagine your reaction if you were seated, using the bathroom, and someone reached from under and quickly pulled on your laces?  Your first reaction would be, “What the hell!” and that, my friends, is one of the sick twisted things that keep me up at night!

Things that bother me!

Now I don’t really have a right to say that certain things in a bathroom bother me or are weird when my idea of fun is untying some poor guy’s shoe laces.  But one really weird experience I had was once in the stall, when this guy in the neighboring stall attempted to start a conversation with me.  His opening line was, “Boy you really had to go to the bathroom, didn’t ya?”  First off, how audible are my bodily functions that this stranger is commenting on it?  And secondly, how desperate are you for a friend that you would strike up a conversation about bodily functions in a men’s bathroom?  All guys know this: there is ABSOLUTELY NO TALKING TO STRANGERS IN THE MEN’S BATHROOM!  You break this cardinal rule, and well, people will think you are weird.

The heavy weight of all bathroom experiences!

During our lifetime we all have had experiences that stuck with us; events that we will forever share with friends, family and strangers who buy this magazine.  And for the purpose of this article I will share such an experience with you, an experience that occurred (where else?) in the bathroom.

It was in a public restroom in a club back in Belize.  I was walking into the Men’s Room when a security guard stopped me.  I was a bit perplexed by this, however, before I could say anything, my uncle, the proprietor of CLUB EDEN, was standing next to the security guard and said it was okay for me to enter the Men’s Room.  Not giving too much thought to it, I just walked towards one of the two urinals; the other was already occupied.  I proceeded to do my business and from the corner of my eye I caught a glimpse of the guy next to me who looked a bit familiar.  And then I realized it was his security guard who was waiting outside, and the rumor that this celebrity was in club turned out to be true. I was taking a piss next to Lenox Lewis, at that time, the heavy weight boxing champion.  For a second I was stricken with fear and stopped peeing mid-stream.  My bladder froze up.  Next to me stood a man who was 6′6 and 260 pounds (I’m 5′10 and 140 pounds), a man who can snap me in half with one punch.

With most celebrities, you want to look over and get a good view of them, say hi and shake their hand, however, I didn’t think this would be the appropriate situation.  Rule number one: No talking and eyes forward when using the urinal! But you just can’t help it, I mean, come on! This was the heavy weight champion.

All these thoughts ran through my mind; what if I look over and realize that this man could double up as a camera tripod on his day off – I don’t think I could look away.  As a man of science and medicine, curiosity would get the best of me and I wouldn’t be able to look away, and that would lead to one of two things; him getting mad and hitting me which would hurt very much, OR him looking over, smiling and winking at me which has the potential to hurt even more. Whatever the case may be, I was still standing there; pants undone, frozen, and struggling against my eyes wondering over.  Before I knew it, my head snapped over and he looked down at me.

“Don’t look down, don’t  look down, don’t look down!” I mentally kept repeating to myself. Thank God I listened. The next thing I remembered was we both nodded at each other, and looked away.